Workout Diaries: Starting Out

I went to DC this past week, and I took several touristy pictures. When I looked at them, I deleted several of them because I looked awful. I've gotten a lot more stationary since I started my new job (which I've been at for a year! Can't believe it!) and it shows. So I decided to get serious. I'm tired of my weight being an issue. I'm tired of hating the way I look or not being able to buy some of the current styles of clothing.

And to (hopefully) keep me motivated (even though I'm not great at this whole blogging thing), I'm gonna try video blogging. Here's the first one to start off the Workout Diaries.

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2 years down the drain..

So, many of you know this, many of you don't, so here goes.

I have struggled with anxiety and depression for several years. Since I was a teenager, I've dealt with this, though it wasn't diagnosed until my freshman year of college. Depression runs in my family, but my mom didn't want me on any medication until I was out of my teens since there are so many hormones running a muck then. I was on Zoloft until Rylan and I broke up, then the medicine wasn't working as well, so we tried something new.

Note to self: NEVER go on Prozac again. I had the WORST panic attack of my life. Every year, Steph has a New Years party, and that year, it was just the girls and Collin. The girls spent the night, and the next morning, I just felt this intense need to go home. I got home, walked in the door, and fell on the floor crying. Not just crying, SOBBING. I've never cried like that in my life. And I couldn't stop. My dad was freaking out. So the next day, I went straight to the doctor to try to figure out what to do next.

I ended up back on Zoloft, eventually, and I was on it consistently for another year and half. I didn't like the way it messed up my sleep patterns, so I weaned myself off of it on a trial basis. Things were going well, so I tried throughout the summer, and things were fine. So I've been off of it ever since.

But three weeks with the 7th graders from hell have set me back two years. I haven't taken any meds for this since May 2009, and I'm so frustrated. I've had an AWFUL week. Tuesday afternoon, the minute the kids were out of the room, I laid my head on my desk and started sobbing. Jennifer, the language arts teacher, walked through my room and saw me, and she stopped like "do I say something or do I let her cry?"

I managed to pull myself together after a few minutes, but not before everyone and their MOM saw me cry. Including Sean. Guys don't handle tears well haha When I got home that evening, I started crying again when I tried to tell my mom about my day, and I decided that I needed to go back to the doctor. Mom gave me some of her Zoloft until I get to go to the doctor.

It's crazy how much of a difference a 25mg pill makes. The past two days have been a 180degree turnaround from Monday and Tuesday. Erin stopped me in the hall today and we talked for a few moments. I like my mentor teacher, but Erin and I just click in an entirely different way. I can't wait until I get to go observe her. She is awesome.

But anyways. Student teaching is so exhausting. I wake up, go to school, come home, and crash. Sometimes I work inbetween the school and the coming home. Exhausting doesn't begin to describe it. These kids don't help either. But, as everyone keeps telling me, it's gotta get better from here. It can't get much worse.

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momentary break

I know it's been awhile, and I know I should be doing the 30 Day Meme, but I'm taking a break from it for a bit. I had a thought today that I didn't want to forget.

I feel like I've done things backwards in my life. You know how most people have tons of "boyfriends" at young ages? Not me. I was always running around with the adults. I knew who I was at a young age, but as we moved around, I lost pieces of myself. The person I am now is not even close to the person I was then. I was outgoing. I was the first person to talk and the center of attention. Now I can't stand that.

Everybody says that you discover who you really are in college. I don't feel like that happened for me. I feel like I tried several different things, but none of them were me. I tried the sorority thing. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not a girly girl. I hate dressing up. And I'm not the social butterfly anymore. I like to be behind the scenes, not the front-runner. I've had several different roommates throughout the years, and I've tried to get in with each of their groups of friends. Only one has stuck: Katie. I don't speak to my freshman year roommate. I talk to my sophomore year roommate once in a blue moon. I don't talk to Jona anymore, which is a crazy story that, one year later, I still don't understand. Frenchie? yeah, no. And Ashley and Courtney? I see them and they pretend to not see me. And if there's one thing I've learned, it's that I will not try to MAKE someone be my friend if they don't want to. If they want to, they'll come find me. I can't always be the one initiating things. I want to be pursued to, ya know. I like to think that I deserve that too.

Most people leave college with tons of friends that will be in their weddings and be a part of their life forever. I could count on one hand how many people that will be for me. I feel like I've made a lots of acquaintances but not many FRIENDS. I wish that wasn't the case. I don't know how it happened. I see people that I used to be really close with, and they're all really close with each other, but somehow I got pushed out of the picture. And I didn't even realize it was happening, which is the worst part.

I know this is once again a 'woe is me' post. But that's what this blog is for me. I need to get this out. If I keep it in, I'll explode. I'm so afraid of that. So here it is.

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22 things

Since I'm 22 years old, I'm gonna post 22 things about myself:

1. The only Beatles song that I like is "Let It Be," and that's only because I heard the Dave Barnes cover of it.
2. I've had 10 surgeries in my life: 4 sets of tubes in my ears, a tympanomastoidectomy [basically my right eardrum burst and was rebuilt], two surgeries to remove a dysplastic nevus [basically a raised mole on my leg that could have become cancerous later in life] that was ovular in shape on the back of my right leg [8 inches long, about 5 inches wide - I still have an 8 inch long scar about 1 cm wide which feels no sensation], adenoids removed, wisdom teeth, and my jaw surgically broken and expanded. Pair that with my super small veins that like to roll, and needless to say, I don't like hospitals.
3. We moved around a lot, so I went to 8 schools in 9 years, including 3 different high schools. But no, I'm not an army brat; my dad's an engineer. Go figure.
4. I can't hear a song without singing. I don't care if I'm in public, in a car with people I don't know, whatever.. I have to sing.
5. That being said, I have terrible stage fright.
6. I'm dying to go skydiving someday.
7. I'm addicted to card games. My current obsession is Nerts.
8. I'm incredibly loyal and extremely protective of my friends. Hurt my friend and I'll hurt your face.
9. I want to teach middle school math or science. I have such a heart for that age group, and I can't wait to be around them all day every day!
10. I can't stand silence. I have to have some kind of noise going on when I study, which my parents think is absurd. But my calc 2 professor let us listen to music during our tests.. I made high A's on all of them. Coincidence? I think not.
11. I hate Macs. With a passion. But I'm so sick of spyware on my computer that I will be purchasing one as soon as possible.
12. I have tried to give up Cokes, but I can't. That is my one weakness when it comes to food.
13. If I could have any profession in the world, I'd be a CSI. But I can't stand higher level science, so that will never happen.
14. My favorite number is 14. I think it's pretty? I know that doesn't make sense, but it's the truth.
15. Sports are my life. Football and baseball = LOVE. I would give up my right arm to meet Peyton Manning. It is my dream to see them play in the Lucas Oil stadium. I would also die if I ever met Matt Diaz. I am his biggest fan. -sigh-
16. I can quote almost every F.R.I.E.N.D.S episode. Phoebe is my favorite, followed closely by Chandler.
17. I know all of the words to "Whoomp, There It Is," "Baby Got Back," and "Can't Touch This." And yes, I am proud of this fact.
18. I am newly obsessed with running. I don't go as often as I'd like because I only like to run in the morning, and I work almost every morning.. so yeah. But I love it when I get to go!
19. I hate to shop. I especially hate to shop when I have certain things that I have to buy [ie. red shirt for work, dress for formal, etc] because I can NEVER find what I need, especially not at a good price.
20. I have a terrible time getting to sleep. No matter how early I get up, I'm never tired enough to fall asleep until around midnight. I'll get in bed, lights off, and just lay there. This makes it very difficult to get up at a decent hour in the mornings.
21. I once got my head stuck in a fence when I was four. The fire department had to come and get me out. It was very traumatic. But not as traumatic as when my brother got impaled on a fence. Which leads me to the final fun fact about me..
22. The most important person in my life is my brother. I am so proud of him and the man he is becoming. I would take a bullet for him. When he hurts, I hurt. When he's happy, my heart bursts. I love him with every fiber of my being.

I know the whole "impaled on a fence" thing caught everyone's attention, so I promise to post that story soon. I still get sick at my stomach when I see the type of fence that he got stuck on. But I will share the story with ya'll soon.

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