momentary break

I know it's been awhile, and I know I should be doing the 30 Day Meme, but I'm taking a break from it for a bit. I had a thought today that I didn't want to forget.

I feel like I've done things backwards in my life. You know how most people have tons of "boyfriends" at young ages? Not me. I was always running around with the adults. I knew who I was at a young age, but as we moved around, I lost pieces of myself. The person I am now is not even close to the person I was then. I was outgoing. I was the first person to talk and the center of attention. Now I can't stand that.

Everybody says that you discover who you really are in college. I don't feel like that happened for me. I feel like I tried several different things, but none of them were me. I tried the sorority thing. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not a girly girl. I hate dressing up. And I'm not the social butterfly anymore. I like to be behind the scenes, not the front-runner. I've had several different roommates throughout the years, and I've tried to get in with each of their groups of friends. Only one has stuck: Katie. I don't speak to my freshman year roommate. I talk to my sophomore year roommate once in a blue moon. I don't talk to Jona anymore, which is a crazy story that, one year later, I still don't understand. Frenchie? yeah, no. And Ashley and Courtney? I see them and they pretend to not see me. And if there's one thing I've learned, it's that I will not try to MAKE someone be my friend if they don't want to. If they want to, they'll come find me. I can't always be the one initiating things. I want to be pursued to, ya know. I like to think that I deserve that too.

Most people leave college with tons of friends that will be in their weddings and be a part of their life forever. I could count on one hand how many people that will be for me. I feel like I've made a lots of acquaintances but not many FRIENDS. I wish that wasn't the case. I don't know how it happened. I see people that I used to be really close with, and they're all really close with each other, but somehow I got pushed out of the picture. And I didn't even realize it was happening, which is the worst part.

I know this is once again a 'woe is me' post. But that's what this blog is for me. I need to get this out. If I keep it in, I'll explode. I'm so afraid of that. So here it is.