Missing You

First of all, we've got a new look! My Illustrator 101 class homework for week 3 was to design a blog header and button, so I decided to make the change. The colors remind me of the beach, which I need to visit soon. I need to spend a few days sitting in the sand, reading and listening to music, sipping on a drink and not thinking about anything. But for now, that's not happening, so let's get back to it.

Lately I've been thinking about the people that have come and gone from my life. Having moved around a lot, there are LOTS of them, but a few have been hitting more than usual.

Corey: I miss my old teammate. We only teamed together for half a year, but I thought we really bonded. We went through hell together, then he went to 6th grade and our hells continued to grow. Thankfully, he got a job teaching SS (his subject of choice) at another middle school and I got my current job, so we're both much happier. But I miss seeing him and talking to him.

Jake: We were close in college. (BTW that was SO weird to say. I can't believe I graduated almost 3 years ago. That's insane.) We initially met through my freshman year roommate Liz, then we re-met through Jona after Rylan and I broke up. He was a good friend during a rough time. I had a crush on him at different points in our friendship, but eventually I realized that it would never work out. I don't know if our friendship was always so one-sided or if it changed to be that way, but it got too hard to even be around him. I felt that I was always second (or third or fourth or fifth...) to everyone else. The final straw was when Katie threw a surprise party for my birthday.. at his apartment.. and he wasn't there. He left in the middle of the day to go to Valdosta. After that, I put up a shield and moved on. But I'll hear a song that we would sing or watch a movie that makes me think of him, and it makes me sad. Like deep, heart-wrenching ache.

Lindsey: She was my best friend in 4th and 5th grade. I haven't even really talked to her in like 15 years. But I saw Haley's post for Lindsey's birthday the other day, talking about their long friendship, and it made me really miss her.

Nathan: One of my first real crushes. I used to chase him around the Sunday school classroom and try to kiss him on the neck (no idea why..), and he would call me "um girl" because I would say "um" a lot. We connected on Facebook senior year of high school, then in college, his girlfriend lived in my building, was friends with someone I knew from church who lived on my floor, and was in my poli-sci class. They got married a few years ago and have adopted a little boy and are in the process of adopting another little boy. I'm so excited for them, but I'm also a little jealous. I can't wait to adopt. Honestly, I can't. I'd do it today if I could.

Allison: My AlliKat. We were best friends in 6th-8th grade. We lost touch when I moved to Augusta but reconnected on Facebook. She's married and has a baby boy on the way! But man, do I miss those old times. Sleepovers at her house, band class, church camp, going to the mall, writing notes on black paper with gel pens and leaving them in desks when we changed classes.

I basically am just wishing that I could go back to old memories and relive them. If I could go back and do my life over, I would. There are a lot of things that I would do differently. College would've been vastly different. And maybe I wouldn't feel as lonely as I do now. I have some great friends, but most of the time, I feel like I'm completely alone. I can count on one hand the number of people that I could call up to hang out. There are lots of people that I occasionally talk to on Twitter or Facebook, but if I had a party, they wouldn't show up. That sucks, but that's life.

The last few months have taught me that I have got to stop making my friendships into more than they are. All that does is lead to disappointment. I get too close too fast, and then I end up hurt. So now I'm guarded. And I'm wary of people. And I don't want to meet people because the majority of the people that I meet and start to love just leave. It's a vicious cycle. At least I have my cats.

That was a lot more depressing than I'd intended it to be, but I'm tired of keeping it in. This is my outlet, and I can say how I feel. I don't mean for this to hurt anyone's feelings or anything like that. Just trying to be a little more honest with myself.

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30 Day Challenge: Day 18

Day 18: Something You Regret

This one is surprisingly easy for me. I'm terribly tempted to write that I regret my relationship with Rylan, but I don't. It molded me into the person I am today. I know what NOT to do in my next relationship, if I ever have one, in order to avoid making the same stupid mistakes. I am stronger because of what I went through with him.

I do, however, regret the way I acted after we broke up. I was a wreck. I completely broke down and became that stupid girl who thinks her life is over because a boy broke her heart. Stupid. I couldn't eat for months. I came home every weekend. I cried and cried and cried. I had my first huge panic attack at a New Years party. I missed a fancy dinner with friends because I had to go to the doctor to get help. I became secluded and probably alienated so many people that could've become good friends. It was a bad time in my life.

And no offense to anyone who has acted this way.. it's just NOT me. I spent my entire life trying to be as independent as possible, and for me to suddenly throw that away because of a boy is ridiculous.

I wasted two years of my life trying to get over him. I regret that it took that long.

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30 Day Challenge: Day 3

Day 3: Your First Love

This is the hardest thing for me to talk about in my life. I've only had one boyfriend. He was the first guy who liked me back, my first slow dance, my first date, my first kiss, my first 'I love you', my first Valentine, my first love.

senior breakfast -- May 06

He was the first guy that I ever considered marrying, the first guy that told me that he wanted to marry me, the first guy to ask to spend the rest of his life with me.

one of my favorite pictures ever. I loved this pirate statue!

And he was the first guy to break my heart.

Christmas party with our high school friends -- Dec 06

For my previous blog challenge, I wrote about him in great detail, so you can read it there. For now, I'll just wrap this up with some of my favorite pictures of the two of us from a much happier time. [I know they're small, but you can click to enlarge them]

first picture together, D-Now -- Mar 06

first dance, senior prom -- Apr 06

senior prom -- Apr 06

lifeboat drill.. he was Rose, I was Jack. I got jipped -- Aug 06

formal dinner on my senior cruise -- Aug 06

my first ever college football game -- Sept 06

Chick-Fil-A Bowl, UGA vs VT -- Dec 06

SAO semi-formal -- Nov 07

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heartache

I woke up crying this morning. Literally crying. I had an awful dream last night. I can't remember the entirety of the dream, but I remember the basic sequence of events.


I was working at a movie theater of some sorts. I saw Rylan, and for some reason, I was compelled to talk to him. He didn't really want to talk to me, but I wanted to talk to him, to hug him, to have him look at me like he used to.


*disclaimer* I do not feel this way at all anymore. In fact, if Rylan tried to talk to me, I would probably walk away. Or hit him. Depends on what kind of mood I was in that day.


Anyways, in my dream, I wanted those things. But he was with some other girl whom I didn't recognize. I asked him to talk with me in private, so we walked over to another part of the theater, and I tried to get him to look at me while I talked to him. He wouldn't do it, and I finally asked him, "Do you still like me? Even as a friend?" And he looked at me and said, "No." Dagger to the heart.


But that's not the worst of it.


"So what, do you hate me?"


"-long pause-"


"Alright, that's enough of an answer for me."


And I ran off to do my job at the concession stand, at which point I'm crying my eyes out and everything is going wrong. I can't make anything correctly, and I can't find anything, and I can't see because I'm still crying. It was this giant culmination of all of my worst fears in one nightmare.


I know that sounds really stupid, but I woke up feeling like it was so real. I felt so heartbroken. I don't love Rylan anymore, so I don't know why I dream about him. It's frustrating. And embarrassing. So naturally I just shared this with the entire universe. But who cares. I know it means nothing, and that's all that matters.

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