Missing You

First of all, we've got a new look! My Illustrator 101 class homework for week 3 was to design a blog header and button, so I decided to make the change. The colors remind me of the beach, which I need to visit soon. I need to spend a few days sitting in the sand, reading and listening to music, sipping on a drink and not thinking about anything. But for now, that's not happening, so let's get back to it.

Lately I've been thinking about the people that have come and gone from my life. Having moved around a lot, there are LOTS of them, but a few have been hitting more than usual.

Corey: I miss my old teammate. We only teamed together for half a year, but I thought we really bonded. We went through hell together, then he went to 6th grade and our hells continued to grow. Thankfully, he got a job teaching SS (his subject of choice) at another middle school and I got my current job, so we're both much happier. But I miss seeing him and talking to him.

Jake: We were close in college. (BTW that was SO weird to say. I can't believe I graduated almost 3 years ago. That's insane.) We initially met through my freshman year roommate Liz, then we re-met through Jona after Rylan and I broke up. He was a good friend during a rough time. I had a crush on him at different points in our friendship, but eventually I realized that it would never work out. I don't know if our friendship was always so one-sided or if it changed to be that way, but it got too hard to even be around him. I felt that I was always second (or third or fourth or fifth...) to everyone else. The final straw was when Katie threw a surprise party for my birthday.. at his apartment.. and he wasn't there. He left in the middle of the day to go to Valdosta. After that, I put up a shield and moved on. But I'll hear a song that we would sing or watch a movie that makes me think of him, and it makes me sad. Like deep, heart-wrenching ache.

Lindsey: She was my best friend in 4th and 5th grade. I haven't even really talked to her in like 15 years. But I saw Haley's post for Lindsey's birthday the other day, talking about their long friendship, and it made me really miss her.

Nathan: One of my first real crushes. I used to chase him around the Sunday school classroom and try to kiss him on the neck (no idea why..), and he would call me "um girl" because I would say "um" a lot. We connected on Facebook senior year of high school, then in college, his girlfriend lived in my building, was friends with someone I knew from church who lived on my floor, and was in my poli-sci class. They got married a few years ago and have adopted a little boy and are in the process of adopting another little boy. I'm so excited for them, but I'm also a little jealous. I can't wait to adopt. Honestly, I can't. I'd do it today if I could.

Allison: My AlliKat. We were best friends in 6th-8th grade. We lost touch when I moved to Augusta but reconnected on Facebook. She's married and has a baby boy on the way! But man, do I miss those old times. Sleepovers at her house, band class, church camp, going to the mall, writing notes on black paper with gel pens and leaving them in desks when we changed classes.

I basically am just wishing that I could go back to old memories and relive them. If I could go back and do my life over, I would. There are a lot of things that I would do differently. College would've been vastly different. And maybe I wouldn't feel as lonely as I do now. I have some great friends, but most of the time, I feel like I'm completely alone. I can count on one hand the number of people that I could call up to hang out. There are lots of people that I occasionally talk to on Twitter or Facebook, but if I had a party, they wouldn't show up. That sucks, but that's life.

The last few months have taught me that I have got to stop making my friendships into more than they are. All that does is lead to disappointment. I get too close too fast, and then I end up hurt. So now I'm guarded. And I'm wary of people. And I don't want to meet people because the majority of the people that I meet and start to love just leave. It's a vicious cycle. At least I have my cats.

That was a lot more depressing than I'd intended it to be, but I'm tired of keeping it in. This is my outlet, and I can say how I feel. I don't mean for this to hurt anyone's feelings or anything like that. Just trying to be a little more honest with myself.

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2011 In Review

After reading Erin's review post, I wanted to do the same. 2011 was a pretty good year for me.

JANUARY
STUDENT TEACHING FIASCO: Two days before we are supposed to start student teaching, about 10 of us still haven't heard where we'll be student teaching. Luckily the great Snowpocalypse of 2011 struck, and we weren't allowed to start on time. I finally heard about my placement: back at DMS with a 7th grade life science teacher. I didn't particularly want life science, especially since another girl was placed in an earth science class like I wanted, but it all worked out. I was a bit intimidated when I got to my classroom, but I liked the kids and loved my mentor.

FEBRUARY
2 YEARS DOWN THE DRAIN: After my breakup with Rylan, my depression got much worse. Zoloft became my best friend. I eventually weaned myself off of it, and I was so happy to have control over that. However, after a few weeks with my kids, I fell back down that hole. I felt like such a failure. It's nothing to be ashamed of, but I was not thrilled to have to go back on my medication. Ever since then, I've gradually gone from 25mg to 100mg. The life of a middle school teacher...

MARCH
SBXI: I went on my first and last official spring break. I went to Destin with Katie, Jenny, and Emily. It was the greatest trip of my life. SO much fun! We stayed with Katie's grandparents, so all we had to pay for was gas and food. So many great memories were made on that trip.

APRIL
SO CLOSE TO THE END: Nothing super eventful happened in April. Student teaching came to a close [thank GOD, because I was losing my mind] and I started looking for jobs. I went to a critical needs job fair [math, science, and special education] and met a principal who offered me a long-term sub position that day. It ended up not working out because my paperwork didn't process quickly enough, but it ended up being my foot in the door. I also had my last week of classes with my cohort. I cried so much on that last day. That's my family, and I'm not going to see them altogether like that again. I made it all the way to the end of the last day, but when I hugged Dr. A, I lost it. Then when I hugged Gretchen, I lost it again. Two years with these people. I miss them.

MAY
GRADUATION: I am officially a graduate of The University of Georgia. Five years later. I got to walk across the stage [twice.. I was a little over-excited and went too early the first time lol] and shake hands with my teachers. I also got to go onto the field in Sanford Stadium and stand with my cohort in my official graduation. And then proceeded to take off my shoes and walk across campus to our car.

EMPLOYMENT: Just before graduation, I got a call from the principal that I interviewed with at the critical needs job fair in April, asking if I wanted to come in for an interview. I said, "YES! I can be there in 45 minutes!" His secretary was amused. We set up an interview time. I went in for the interview and thought it went well. A week later, the Science AP called me and offered me the job, which I immediately accepted! Two weeks after graduation, I am officially employed. Such a blessing.

JUNE
AWKWARD TURTLE: I had a date with a great guy. The date wasn't great, and apparently he was more into it than I was, so it was hard to tell him that I didn't want another date. Things were awkward for a few days, but luckily we've gotten back to the old friendship we had. I nearly had another date with a cool guy, but he ended up bailing on asking me out, so whatevs.

BAHAMAS: We took a family cruise to the Bahamas. It was great. I had a great time, though it was hard at times to not have anyone to hang out with. I hung out with my parents, but I felt like I was interfering with their alone time. I hung out with my brother and his friend.. but who wants their older sister messing up their fun times? But it still ended up being great. And if anyone goes on a cruise where there is a QUEST adventure, DO IT. Single-handedly the best part of the vacation. I have NEVER laughed so hard in my LIFE.

JULY
GOODBYE TRU, HELLO NEW LIFE: I finished up my life at Toys R Us and began my new career as a teacher. I have to say that I don't miss TRU at all. I miss a few of the people, but the important ones I still keep up with.

AUGUST
FIRST YEAR SPARTAN: My first month was rough. I didn't know if I could do it. But I had no choice but to continue. Things gradually got a bit better. Reading back through my blog, it's amazing how far I've come. My favorite part was getting my first paycheck and going out to celebrate with the other first year teachers.

SEPTEMBER
DETENTION BONANZA: I gave out more detentions in this month than all other months combined. Pretty sure I've given out the most for our grade level. But I was so over my kids that I don't even care.

OCTOBER
RED RIBBON WEEK: I enjoyed dressing up for Red Ribbon Week. My kids have learned that I will do anything for school spirit.

NOVEMBER
ALMOST DONE: Thanksgiving break was SO needed. I also took my first personal day before my birthday. I never take days off, so it was great. Also my memory is slightly failing now that I have 120 kids to watch out for. So, sorry this is boring.

DECEMBER
FINISHED: I made it through my first semester. I don't know how I did it. But I did! Thanks to everyone who supported me along the way. Also, this month I've struggled with some personal stuff. I'm a little too overwhelmed and lonely. And paranoid. But I'm working on it. So here's to fixing that in 2012.

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2 years down the drain..

So, many of you know this, many of you don't, so here goes.

I have struggled with anxiety and depression for several years. Since I was a teenager, I've dealt with this, though it wasn't diagnosed until my freshman year of college. Depression runs in my family, but my mom didn't want me on any medication until I was out of my teens since there are so many hormones running a muck then. I was on Zoloft until Rylan and I broke up, then the medicine wasn't working as well, so we tried something new.

Note to self: NEVER go on Prozac again. I had the WORST panic attack of my life. Every year, Steph has a New Years party, and that year, it was just the girls and Collin. The girls spent the night, and the next morning, I just felt this intense need to go home. I got home, walked in the door, and fell on the floor crying. Not just crying, SOBBING. I've never cried like that in my life. And I couldn't stop. My dad was freaking out. So the next day, I went straight to the doctor to try to figure out what to do next.

I ended up back on Zoloft, eventually, and I was on it consistently for another year and half. I didn't like the way it messed up my sleep patterns, so I weaned myself off of it on a trial basis. Things were going well, so I tried throughout the summer, and things were fine. So I've been off of it ever since.

But three weeks with the 7th graders from hell have set me back two years. I haven't taken any meds for this since May 2009, and I'm so frustrated. I've had an AWFUL week. Tuesday afternoon, the minute the kids were out of the room, I laid my head on my desk and started sobbing. Jennifer, the language arts teacher, walked through my room and saw me, and she stopped like "do I say something or do I let her cry?"

I managed to pull myself together after a few minutes, but not before everyone and their MOM saw me cry. Including Sean. Guys don't handle tears well haha When I got home that evening, I started crying again when I tried to tell my mom about my day, and I decided that I needed to go back to the doctor. Mom gave me some of her Zoloft until I get to go to the doctor.

It's crazy how much of a difference a 25mg pill makes. The past two days have been a 180degree turnaround from Monday and Tuesday. Erin stopped me in the hall today and we talked for a few moments. I like my mentor teacher, but Erin and I just click in an entirely different way. I can't wait until I get to go observe her. She is awesome.

But anyways. Student teaching is so exhausting. I wake up, go to school, come home, and crash. Sometimes I work inbetween the school and the coming home. Exhausting doesn't begin to describe it. These kids don't help either. But, as everyone keeps telling me, it's gotta get better from here. It can't get much worse.

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