2 years down the drain..

So, many of you know this, many of you don't, so here goes.

I have struggled with anxiety and depression for several years. Since I was a teenager, I've dealt with this, though it wasn't diagnosed until my freshman year of college. Depression runs in my family, but my mom didn't want me on any medication until I was out of my teens since there are so many hormones running a muck then. I was on Zoloft until Rylan and I broke up, then the medicine wasn't working as well, so we tried something new.

Note to self: NEVER go on Prozac again. I had the WORST panic attack of my life. Every year, Steph has a New Years party, and that year, it was just the girls and Collin. The girls spent the night, and the next morning, I just felt this intense need to go home. I got home, walked in the door, and fell on the floor crying. Not just crying, SOBBING. I've never cried like that in my life. And I couldn't stop. My dad was freaking out. So the next day, I went straight to the doctor to try to figure out what to do next.

I ended up back on Zoloft, eventually, and I was on it consistently for another year and half. I didn't like the way it messed up my sleep patterns, so I weaned myself off of it on a trial basis. Things were going well, so I tried throughout the summer, and things were fine. So I've been off of it ever since.

But three weeks with the 7th graders from hell have set me back two years. I haven't taken any meds for this since May 2009, and I'm so frustrated. I've had an AWFUL week. Tuesday afternoon, the minute the kids were out of the room, I laid my head on my desk and started sobbing. Jennifer, the language arts teacher, walked through my room and saw me, and she stopped like "do I say something or do I let her cry?"

I managed to pull myself together after a few minutes, but not before everyone and their MOM saw me cry. Including Sean. Guys don't handle tears well haha When I got home that evening, I started crying again when I tried to tell my mom about my day, and I decided that I needed to go back to the doctor. Mom gave me some of her Zoloft until I get to go to the doctor.

It's crazy how much of a difference a 25mg pill makes. The past two days have been a 180degree turnaround from Monday and Tuesday. Erin stopped me in the hall today and we talked for a few moments. I like my mentor teacher, but Erin and I just click in an entirely different way. I can't wait until I get to go observe her. She is awesome.

But anyways. Student teaching is so exhausting. I wake up, go to school, come home, and crash. Sometimes I work inbetween the school and the coming home. Exhausting doesn't begin to describe it. These kids don't help either. But, as everyone keeps telling me, it's gotta get better from here. It can't get much worse.