30 Day Meme -- Day 4

Day 04 – What you ate today, in great detail
This one won't be hard because I've had a busy day, aka I didn't get to eat a lot.


I woke up extremely late, so breakfast was a small bowl of Frosted Flakes with skim milk [gag. 2% is my fave, but Mom won't buy it and pitches a fit when I buy it for myself].


In class I had a S'mores Quaker Chewy Granola Bar and water.


I got home and had a grilled cheese sandwich.


I had a can of coke at work.


I had half of a turkey and ketchup sandwich when I got home.


Then I finished off my oreo cheesecake from last week.


Pretty boring, I know. Tomorrow's blog might be late because I'll be in Athens all day, but hopefully I'll find the time to do it. Sorry for the lame post. Maybe I'll redo this one tomorrow because I'll probably have lots of [bad] good stuff lol

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30 Day Meme -- Day 3

Day 03 – Your parents, in great detail
I'm really excited about this one. This one won't be depressing, I promise! It's full of hope and happiness and things that make you go "AWWW!"


My parents just turned 42 in August. I turn 23 in November. For all of you non-math people -cough ALYSHA cough-, that means that my parents were 19 when I was born.


My mother is a cop's daughter. She grew up taking care of herself because her family didn't have enough money to buy all the things she wanted. In high school, she worked at a department store at the Albany Mall.


My dad is an only child. His father died of lung cancer when my dad was 12 [though his dad was much older.. they had him very late in life] so my dad, like my mom, had to work to help out as much as possible. Dad also worked at a department store in the Albany Mall, and that's how they met.


They had gone to elementary school together, and my dad admitted that he had always had a crush on my mom, but he never did anything about it. Mom was dating this guy [21 to her 18, and red hair to boot! I could've been a ginger!!] and Dad was dating this girl. Dad broke up with his girlfriend and started pursuing Mom. They ended up going on their first date, lunch at Chick-Fil-A, on October 10th, 1986.


They got married six months later, April 10th, 1987.


Lynn was born November 6th, 1987, only one day before her due date.


Again, for you non-math people, that means I was conceived a little early.


My dad was planning on proposing already by the time Mom found out that she was pregnant. Dad said he was terrified to tell my grandfather because Pepaw is 6'4, 200 pounds, and a police officer aka licensed to carry a gun. They always tell the story that they told Memama first [because she is much more easy-going and more likely to be able to calm Pepaw down once he gets upset] and waited for Pepaw to get home. That particular night, Pepaw seemed to fill the door frame, and Dad was scared. But they told Pepaw, and long story short, they got married in April.


They've been married for 23 years. Happily married for 23 years. It's unreal. They got pregnant and had me at 19, still went to school [Mom went to Georgia State for an accounting degree while Dad went to Georgia Tech for an engineering degree. All the while, Lynn is in daycare], Dad was in the army for a few years, Mom went back to school for a nursing degree, they were different denominations [Mom was Lutheran, Dad was Baptist], and tried to be as financially independent as possible. They are still so much in love that it's almost sickening haha


That's not to say that they haven't had hard times, but they always work through them. They fight like any normal couple, but they make amends. Dad is vice president of a wing of his company and is head of the office in Atlanta. Mom is a labor and delivery nurse [formerly a charge nurse, but the stress was too much for our depression-anxiety-ridden selves] at a hospital in Gwinnett. She recently went to part time and is enjoying every moment of it. Dad travels a bit, which he hates because he's been travelling for almost 10 years now. He spent almost an entire year in Europe when I was in 7th grade.


My relationship with my parents is rough. My dad and I used to be extremely close, which made my mom and I grow further apart, but lately I'm just as far from both of them and getting further by the day. They expect too much of me. I think the fact that I'm 22 and have no babies is a good thing, since the rest of my family didn't accomplish that feat, but it's not good enough. I made good grades, but it's not good enough. Nothing is good enough for them. It never will be. But I've learned to deal, for the most part, and things are alright. I promised that I wouldn't get depressing, so I won't. Things *are* better than they used to be, as a whole. Things with Mom are exponentially better, so I'm happy.

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30 Day Meme -- Day 2

Day 02 – Your first love, in great detail
Not looking forward to this one. I hate talking about him, let alone talking about him in great detail. But I will.


I met Rylan at the end of 10th grade. I'd had a class with him all year, but he was in the smart guys group, and I was in the back because our chemistry teacher was creepy. A bunch of our friends were going to a movie [Van Helsing] so Steph and I went too. He was in a Texas Longhorns t-shirt, suit jacket, shorts, and a hat, and it's crazy, but I thought he was super cute. I knew at that moment that he was going to be a huge part of my life. I dunno if it was love at first sight, but it was infatuation at first sight that eventually led to love.


We became best friends after having the majority of our classes together junior year. We spent almost every day together hanging out with a group of friends, and I fell harder and harder. Then, something awful happened: he told me that he liked my best friend Nicole.


A few days later, something even more awful happened: she told me that she liked him.  We were all going on a ski trip that week, the week before my big jaw surgery aka my last week of fun for a few months, and she promised that she wouldn't do anything until AFTER the trip.


Yeah. About two hours into the trip, they were together, and I was miserable. I didn't talk to her all weekend. I, of course, still talked to him. He could tell I was upset about something [though I didn't know at the time that Nicole {and Adam} had told him that I liked him. and you wonder why I have trust issues?] so he tried to talk to me. He was my partner for Peanut Butter [we had an AMAZING sign that nobody could figure out!] and we played the movie game and I wasn't mad at him. But I was furious at her.


Eventually Nicole and I drifted too far apart. She chose him over me, and I couldn't take it anymore [paranoia issues started here] so I ended the friendship. All the while, Rylan and I were still the best of friends and constantly grew closer together. In January of senior year, a year after he and Nicole started dating, he admitted to me that he tried to break up with her but it didn't work. I began to hope at that point, though most of me was like "yeah right, nothing will ever happen there."


Two months later, he did break up with her. We started working together at a learning center, riding together since we live basically next door to each other, and just spending practically all of our time together. Then his best friend Adam asked me to Dacula's prom. I didn't want to go, but I didn't know what to do. I told Rylan about it, and he got jealous, which I didn't know. Once he sent me a text [right before work] saying "what color are my eyes?" I responded "blue...?" and he was like "oh I thought they were green for a second." Now, I don't know WHAT I was thinking, but I got all paranoid and thought he wanted to get back together with Nicole [because her eyes are green? again, not sure what I was thinking] so I avoided him at work and sped home crying and wouldn't answer his texts. I finally ended up asking if he was gonna get back together with her, and he was like "no! why?" so I told him what I thought. He actually meant that he was turning green with jealousy because Adam asked me to prom. He asked me to our prom, "just as friends", but Nicole and I had started trying to be friends again, and I didn't want to mess that up, so I told him I couldn't answer until I talked to her. The talk didn't go well, and long story short, we didn't go to prom "together" though we went in the same group, both dateless, and ended up dancing to two slow songs together ["Burn" by Usher and another song that I can't remember because I was in heaven]


He went on a cruise over spring break, and he wrote me a postcard every day. We had a date to watch The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe on Sunday when he got home since I'd never seen it and he wanted to watch it with me. He brought me a beautiful wind chime and a towel elephant from his cruise along with the postcards. I invited him to come to my friend Alysha's play, Cinderella, in Atlanta on April 20th, and he said yes. We went to the Varsity first [he paid] and then got incredibly lost on the way to the play. I was freaking out because I hate being lost, and he was incredibly patient with me.


We got to the play, went in, and watched this amazing play. About halfway through the second act, I kept noticing him looking at my hand. I decided to put my hand a little closer to him and turn it upwards so that it'd be easier for him to grab it.. and he finally reached over to hold it. Later he admitted how nervous he was, which made me laugh and tell him that I knew and what I did to help him. Afterwards, he asked if I would like to be his girlfriend. I was tempted to go, "No.. I'd love to," but I figured he'd freak out and not hear the second part, so I just said, "definitely!"


We went on our first official date the next day. We saw The Sentinel [because of my love for Kiefer Sutherland] then went back to my house to continue the Michael Douglas saga with my all-time favorite movie, The American President. He always said he didn't want to see it, but he ended up really liking it.


The next week, my parents were on a cruise, so they missed a bunch of firsts. Rylan kept kissing me closer and closer to my mouth over the next few days: first on my forehead, then on my cheek, and finally we were sitting in his guest room watching Moulin Rouge, and he asked if he could kiss me. This was my first ever kiss, so I was extremely nervous, but he leaned in.. and his mom called his name. He went to see what she wanted, then he came back and looked at me, and then he kissed me.


Right after that, he told me that he loved me. Or so I thought. I couldn't tell if he had said it, but I knew that I wanted to say it, so I did. Later I was telling Janet, my best friend, about it on the phone when he instant messaged me. We chatted for a few, and before he signed off, he said, "I love you." so I knew that he had said it earlier. I know three days isn't very long, but we'd been best friends for almost two years by this point, so it was really a long time coming. We'd always loved each other, but now it was on a new level.


The next few months were just bliss, honestly. I was so in love. I had been for a long time. We went to college together, and I didn't really reach out to new people because I just wanted to spend time with the guy I loved. He gave me a promise ring and we talked about our timeline for getting engaged and married, how it would work since I would be teaching in Georgia and he would be going to optometry school in either Birmingham or Memphis. We had our first Christmas together. I gave him a basket of things he loved that I hated: root beer, beef jerky, and Out Cold, along with a poster of Starry Night, his all-time favorite painting. I got my promise ring and his class ring.


Our first Valentines together [my first real Valentines day] was good. He cooked spaghetti and we watched Casablanca, which he loves and I ended up not liking. I hated the ending, especially for a Valentines Day movie! but it was fun to spend time with him.


Our one year anniversary was spent at Stone Mountain. It was a lot of fun. We hiked the mountain and spent the day in the little town. We were gonna stay for the laser show, but I had a migraine, so we went home and watched a movie, which is what we spent our summer doing. We'd go to Blockbuster twice a day, if not more [he had the movies that you could just trade in once you finished them, kinda like Netflix]. We had a movie list [mostly movies that I needed to see, according to Rylan] that we made a pretty good dent in that summer.


Sophomore year of college started off great. I rushed SAO, and Rylan was very supportive. We only went to one date night [because pledges weren't allowed to attend events until becoming official sisters]: semi-formal. He was upset because he had to buy a suit, and things were tense up until that night, but we had fun. I remember "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" by Whitney Houston coming on at one point. I went up to him and was singing "I wanna dance with somebody, with somebody who loves me" and he pulled away and made this face like "it's not me." He was teasing and ended up dancing with me, but we broke up a week later, and I constantly think about that moment and how I think he was serious.


The next week we went to a party at a friend's place. I wasn't having fun because it was all people that I didn't know, and Rylan and I had been arguing, and we weren't really talking, so I ended up leaving. I didn't tell him I was leaving because I honestly didn't want him to leave the party because he *was* having fun, but I knew he'd leave if I left. But in hind sight, I should've told him. He took it badly, and the next day he went home and wouldn't talk to me. I knew. I knew we were gonna break up. I called my best friend, who went to school in Rome, and she immediately drove to Athens, on a Friday afternoon, through Atlanta traffic. The same day, my roommate moved out and left me alone, and I had finals starting on Monday. It was a terrific weekend.


We didn't talk at all on Saturday, and on Sunday I finally called him. He broke up with me over the phone. I was a wreck. He said we could still be friends, and I even went to lunch with him on Tuesday, but it was too hard. I remember bawling on the way to my spanish exam, in my pajamas, halfway considering just skipping the exam. I saw Catty, who was dating Rylan's cousin, and I just spilled it all to her. I took my exam while crying and apologizing to those around me for distracting them, but they were all my classmates and said that I wasn't distracting them; I think they were lying. I turned in my exam, and my professor asked if I was alright. I said no, and that it wasn't my best work and I was sorry, and he said "don't worry about it. I will take care of you." I got an A- in the class, though I know I failed the final.


I did all the things I shouldn't have done: I called him crying, begged him to take me back, tried to manipulate his best friend into telling me things and helping me.. it was bad. I was a mess. I couldn't eat. I lost 20 pounds in the few months after we broke up. Christmas was a blur. My family was mad at me because I couldn't get myself together. My sister didn't understand why I was upset and why Rylan wasn't coming over anymore. My friends were amazing, but I know they were tired of hearing about it and trying to make me feel better.


The last time I ever talked to him, I was going into the dorm and saw him playing ping pong. I asked if I could talk to him, and he said he was busy. I said fine, and I walked away. And I never looked back.


He dated Paige, the girl whom he left me for, for several months. I really thought they'd get married [the two deserved each other.. scum bags] but apparently she broke his heart and started dating someone else almost immediately. Serves him right.


It's been almost three years since we broke up. I'm finally healed. I'm still angry sometimes, but I'm not upset. I don't cry over him anymore. I can listen to good music again! I listened to "Burn" [one of my favorite songs even before we danced to it] for the first time a few weeks ago, and it felt good. I'm ready to fall in love again. I don't think I could've said that a few months ago. I'm healed from that and won't carry any of that into a new relationship.


I always wanted to be able to tell my grandkids that I married my first love. That didn't happen, but that's okay. You know what they say: first is the worst, second is the best.


Half of that is right.. now I just need the other half!


p.s.- if you made it through that, bravo. I'm impressed.

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30 Day Meme -- Day 1

Day 01 - Introduce yourself

I've kind of already done this here. I'm Lynn, I'm 22 years old, and we're gonna get real deep here.


I feel like a complete fraud.


I feel like I have fooled everyone into thinking that I am better than I am.


I have no idea what's going on with my life. I know where I want to end up. I want to be a middle school teacher. But I don't know how to get there.


I feel like I'm faking my way through school. I feel like I'm not as smart as people think I am. I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing.


I can't seem to manage my money well enough. No matter how hard I work, I never am able to save anything. Something always happens. I blow it on going out to eat with friends and rationalize it by thinking "I won't get to do this next year, once I become an adult." I have to buy gas, update my teacher wardrobe, fix my STUPID car, etc. It never ends.


I am more insecure than I ever thought humanly possible. I don't like a lot of my personality. I like some things: I'm fiercely loyal. I will do anything for my friends. Yet they won't always return the favor. I always reach out to people, but they never reach out to me. I have stopped talking to several of my friends to see how long it takes them to realize that we haven't been in touch in awhile. It's been almost 5 months, and I've heard from one person, and that was just the one time. I think I'm a good friend.. perhaps I'm wrong?


As much as I want to lose weight and be thin and beautiful and have guys like me and want to date me, I think secretly I don't want to lose the weight. I'm afraid of losing the weight.. and then becoming fat again.
I haven't told anybody that before.


I'm also really struggling with my faith right now. I've only shared that with Alysha. I still believe in God and believe in Christ as my Savior.. but I'm struggling with seeking Him daily, especially when everything in my life seems to never work out. Other people live in sin, consciously, and everything goes right for them. I try sooooo hard to live a life free of sin, and nothing goes right. I can't get a job; I don't have a boyfriend; I am graduating a year late, which basically makes me the biggest disappointment to my parents; I can't lose weight; I lost my best friend/my first love completely out of left field; I am not important to my "friends". I mean, I don't smoke [which is good since I'm allergic and I would die if I did], I rarely drink, I don't do drugs, I haven't had sex aka didn't get pregnant at 18 like the rest of the women in my family, graduated in the top 3% of my high school class, made the Dean's list several times in college, and have tried to be as loyal and trustworthy and honest as possible.


So why can't I be rewarded? Especially when other people are! It's just frustrating, and I know what everyone will say: "things will catch up with them later" or "I know it seems like things are hard, but they'll get better."


It's been almost three years of this, and it hasn't gotten better. I'm tired of it. I can't take much more. I feel like I'm drowning, and I can't get to the surface.


Not a lot of people know this. I try to keep a brave face on and pretend that nothing is wrong, because nobody likes a Debbie Downer.


But I can't keep it inside anymore.


This is me.


Like it or not.

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