No More Hiding

I wish I could say that I have been feeling convicted lately, but I don't think you could call it that. I don't even know where to start with this.

I am scared to death to post this blog. But I am more scared of something else: not experiencing God.

The following contains portions from my journal this evening combined with my additional thoughts:

Today I started reading a book that I got at Books For Less a few months back, "Searching For A God You're Supposed To Have Found" by Ben Windle. Within the first three pages, I was on the verge of tears. I had to close the book to avoid crying so that I could continue to read without salty water obstructing my vision.

I have been in denial for so long.

I grew up in church. I was constantly active in the youth group. I wore WWJD bracelets and FCA shirts. I led an AWANA group. I went on retreats. I went to Christian concerts. I highlighted my Bible and wrote verses on index cards to post in my room, locker, and binders. I led prayers in Sunday School. I WAS IN A CHRISTIAN SORORITY.

Yet I fooled everyone. Or maybe I didn't. Maybe some of you knew. But I certainly fooled myself.

I knew about God. I knew verses and stories and songs. I knew that I was a Christian.

But I didn't KNOW God.

I haven't even finished the first chapter yet, but I have to get this out. I have to process it. A part of the chapter talked about anger and jealousy towards people who weren't raised in the church, who come to church and immediately experience God. Yet I, who grew up on the front row, literally, had not had that experience. I know who He *is* but don't KNOW Him.

Last summer, I was in a small group with some girls from my spring small group and some guys from another small group. One night after group, Kelly and I went to Chick-Fil-A for a late dinner. We talked about something that I had not, and until now have not, admitted to anyone: I was jealous of people who had these huge defining moments in their walk with Christ. I didn't have this big "A-HA!" moment. I grew up knowing about God and about Jesus and what He did for me on the cross. But to see people come from a non-church background and experience Jesus.. I was so envious. Why couldn't I have an experience like that?

The funny thing was that Kelly felt the opposite: she was jealous that I'd spent my entire life knowing about Jesus. I didn't understand, because her relationship felt more real than mine. I can't explain it. It's a feeling. A sorrow in my heart. I can't begin to explain that feeling. Perhaps one day I'll understand it, but for now, it is what it is. Moving on...

I think part of what has held my back in the past is fear of what others will think. I'm "supposed" to already know God... what will they think?! Will they judge me? Shun me? Ridicule me?

But I should've known better. My family, my friends, the people that love me, won't care about the past but will REJOICE in my new future!

"Because the concept of God is so clear in their mind, their knowledge of God and the Bible can be mistaken for a personal relationship with God."

Guilty, party of one.

James tells us "Even the demons believe!" Belief is not enough. There MUST be more.

"Don't let the door mat become your bed." Jesus says, "Knock, and the door shall be opened unto you." But an open door is useless unless you walk through it. Go in. Sit down with Jesus. Get to know Him. What have I been waiting for?

The end of the chapter talks about Gideon. God had parted the Jordan River and led the Israelites out of oppression. Joshua took 12 stones from the river and set up memorials with the stones. Years later, the older generations saw the stones and remembered, vividly, what God had done. But Gideon had no memory of the event. He was not tied to it. It wasn't real to him. And that wasn't enough for him. He wasn't content with just the stories. He wanted to experience God for himself. And he did. His faith helped deliver his people from the Midianites.

I'm not afraid of what people think of me anymore. I'm only afraid of not experiencing God.

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