heartache

I woke up crying this morning. Literally crying. I had an awful dream last night. I can't remember the entirety of the dream, but I remember the basic sequence of events.


I was working at a movie theater of some sorts. I saw Rylan, and for some reason, I was compelled to talk to him. He didn't really want to talk to me, but I wanted to talk to him, to hug him, to have him look at me like he used to.


*disclaimer* I do not feel this way at all anymore. In fact, if Rylan tried to talk to me, I would probably walk away. Or hit him. Depends on what kind of mood I was in that day.


Anyways, in my dream, I wanted those things. But he was with some other girl whom I didn't recognize. I asked him to talk with me in private, so we walked over to another part of the theater, and I tried to get him to look at me while I talked to him. He wouldn't do it, and I finally asked him, "Do you still like me? Even as a friend?" And he looked at me and said, "No." Dagger to the heart.


But that's not the worst of it.


"So what, do you hate me?"


"-long pause-"


"Alright, that's enough of an answer for me."


And I ran off to do my job at the concession stand, at which point I'm crying my eyes out and everything is going wrong. I can't make anything correctly, and I can't find anything, and I can't see because I'm still crying. It was this giant culmination of all of my worst fears in one nightmare.


I know that sounds really stupid, but I woke up feeling like it was so real. I felt so heartbroken. I don't love Rylan anymore, so I don't know why I dream about him. It's frustrating. And embarrassing. So naturally I just shared this with the entire universe. But who cares. I know it means nothing, and that's all that matters.

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bored bored bored

I've been so bored lately. I feel like all I do is work work WORK. Though this is obviously not true because my paycheck was only 75% of its normal amount this pay-period :-/ oh well.


The past few days have been hard. I've been sick, and I rarely get sick, so I'm miserable. My throat has been hurting and my ears have been stopped up. I can't hear out of one [or sometimes both] ear at all times. Thursday night the pain was unbearable, but Mom gave me some medicine and I began to feel better.


I came home on Thursday because of my brother and sister's swim meet. Little did I know, my grandparents were coming! I hadn't seen them in months, so that was exciting.


My brother had senior pictures that afternoon too. Mom had to set up chairs for the swim meet, so I went with Dad to help Grant with poses and stuff. Grant is so grown up. I can't believe it.


My favorite pictures were of him in his letter jacket, swim team shirt, and goggles. He was a pretty good sport too. He'd be really stoic and bored, but the photographer would say "smile!" and he would flash this gorgeous smile. *snap* and he was back to that stoic face. One photographer took a picture of him like that just for fun lol


We swam against the defending county champion swim team that night, and we only lost by 27 points when we were supposed to get annihilated. One of our coaches who decided not to swim this summer ended up swimming, which really helped our boys 15-18 relay. Grant had awesome times, though he lost his two best events to Jared. He came in second, which is still great, especially since he's only 16.


Afterwards, Grant and his friend Matthew wanted to go see Toy Story 3 at midnight, so I took them because Mom didn't want to take them and then have to pick them up. So I got to see it for free :] I also saw a preview for Voyage Of The Dawn Treader, and I can't wait to go see that! I love the Narnia series.


On Friday, I came back to Athens to take care of Ryleigh, whom Emily had been taking care of while I was gone, then my grandparents, mom, and sister came over to go to lunch at Peaches, which has amazing southern food. I think everyone really enjoyed it.


I had to work last night, and between my being sick and Loreanna being sick, it was a rough night. I'm not anticipating a good day today either. But we got out of there pretty quickly, so I came home, watched some TV, and went to bed.


Babbs moves in tomorrow, which is exciting. I hate being in the apartment all by myself. I think I'm most excited about having someone else to take care of the dog. I'm tired of being bitten and barked at and messed with all day. I thought I could handle taking care of Court and Ash's dog while they're gone for the summer, but I just can't do this anymore. If Babbs doesn't feel that she can do it either, then Ash is gonna have to come take Ryleigh or board her or something. I just can't deal with this anymore.

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kids have my heart

Lately the subject of children has been coming up amongst my friends and I.  Courtney and I had a discussion one day about how we want to adopt.


In middle school, I decided I was going to adopt teenagers. Yes, teenagers. They are the ones who seldom get adopted. They get neglected and then they get shoved out into the real world when they turn 18. They have no family, nobody who truly loves them or cares for them.


My mindset has changed some, but that initial idea has stuck with me. Though I might not *adopt* teenagers, I've thought that I might like to foster them. I'd give them a home and a family until [if] they get adopted. I don't know that I'd be able to turn them away once they turned 18 if they didn't get adopted though, but I know that the situation would all work out when the time came.


My friend Alysha is adopted, and her parents fostered dozens of kids over the years. That's what I want to do. Every child deserves to be loved, and I have SO much love to give.

I definitely want to adopt though. I know that I am not your average girl. I don't like to shop or dress up or wear makeup. I don't care about shoes or being tan or having the latest fashion trends. And I have never ever had the desire to get pregnant. Some people want nothing more than to make a baby, and that is so great for them.


But I am not one of those people.


I would never wish infertility upon myself incase I change my mind later in life, but [because I don't believe I will] I would gladly be infertile if it meant that someone who wanted to bear children was able to do so. I know this isn't just my decision though. My future husband is going to have to be okay with the possibility that we never have biological children. I'm not saying that it would be a make-it-or-break-it decision in our relationship if he insisted on having biological children or not wanting to adopt, but it would be a serious hurdle that would require extensive discussion for a long time.


This is one of the deepest desires of my heart. I love kids. I love helping kids. I want to be a MIDDLE SCHOOL teacher. That isn't just a career you pick out of a hat. I love watching people's faces when I tell them my major. "Middle school? Why on earth would you want to work with them?" I can't explain it. God has blessed me with a patience and a heart for that age group, and who am I to not use that gift?


I feel like this is becoming incoherent because it's late, but I think I got the point across. I'm gonna be a mom someday, but my kids might not look like me.


And I'm completely okay with that.

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