First of all, we've got a new look! My Illustrator 101 class homework for week 3 was to design a blog header and button, so I decided to make the change. The colors remind me of the beach, which I need to visit soon. I need to spend a few days sitting in the sand, reading and listening to music, sipping on a drink and not thinking about anything. But for now, that's not happening, so let's get back to it.
Lately I've been thinking about the people that have come and gone from my life. Having moved around a lot, there are LOTS of them, but a few have been hitting more than usual.
Corey: I miss my old teammate. We only teamed together for half a year, but I thought we really bonded. We went through hell together, then he went to 6th grade and our hells continued to grow. Thankfully, he got a job teaching SS (his subject of choice) at another middle school and I got my current job, so we're both much happier. But I miss seeing him and talking to him.
Jake: We were close in college. (BTW that was SO weird to say. I can't believe I graduated almost 3 years ago. That's insane.) We initially met through my freshman year roommate Liz, then we re-met through Jona after Rylan and I broke up. He was a good friend during a rough time. I had a crush on him at different points in our friendship, but eventually I realized that it would never work out. I don't know if our friendship was always so one-sided or if it changed to be that way, but it got too hard to even be around him. I felt that I was always second (or third or fourth or fifth...) to everyone else. The final straw was when Katie threw a surprise party for my birthday.. at his apartment.. and he wasn't there. He left in the middle of the day to go to Valdosta. After that, I put up a shield and moved on. But I'll hear a song that we would sing or watch a movie that makes me think of him, and it makes me sad. Like deep, heart-wrenching ache.
Lindsey: She was my best friend in 4th and 5th grade. I haven't even really talked to her in like 15 years. But I saw Haley's post for Lindsey's birthday the other day, talking about their long friendship, and it made me really miss her.
Nathan: One of my first real crushes. I used to chase him around the Sunday school classroom and try to kiss him on the neck (no idea why..), and he would call me "um girl" because I would say "um" a lot. We connected on Facebook senior year of high school, then in college, his girlfriend lived in my building, was friends with someone I knew from church who lived on my floor, and was in my poli-sci class. They got married a few years ago and have adopted a little boy and are in the process of adopting another little boy. I'm so excited for them, but I'm also a little jealous. I can't wait to adopt. Honestly, I can't. I'd do it today if I could.
Allison: My AlliKat. We were best friends in 6th-8th grade. We lost touch when I moved to Augusta but reconnected on Facebook. She's married and has a baby boy on the way! But man, do I miss those old times. Sleepovers at her house, band class, church camp, going to the mall, writing notes on black paper with gel pens and leaving them in desks when we changed classes.
I basically am just wishing that I could go back to old memories and relive them. If I could go back and do my life over, I would. There are a lot of things that I would do differently. College would've been vastly different. And maybe I wouldn't feel as lonely as I do now. I have some great friends, but most of the time, I feel like I'm completely alone. I can count on one hand the number of people that I could call up to hang out. There are lots of people that I occasionally talk to on Twitter or Facebook, but if I had a party, they wouldn't show up. That sucks, but that's life.
The last few months have taught me that I have got to stop making my friendships into more than they are. All that does is lead to disappointment. I get too close too fast, and then I end up hurt. So now I'm guarded. And I'm wary of people. And I don't want to meet people because the majority of the people that I meet and start to love just leave. It's a vicious cycle. At least I have my cats.
That was a lot more depressing than I'd intended it to be, but I'm tired of keeping it in. This is my outlet, and I can say how I feel. I don't mean for this to hurt anyone's feelings or anything like that. Just trying to be a little more honest with myself.
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