30 Day Meme -- Day 1

Day 01 - Introduce yourself

I've kind of already done this here. I'm Lynn, I'm 22 years old, and we're gonna get real deep here.


I feel like a complete fraud.


I feel like I have fooled everyone into thinking that I am better than I am.


I have no idea what's going on with my life. I know where I want to end up. I want to be a middle school teacher. But I don't know how to get there.


I feel like I'm faking my way through school. I feel like I'm not as smart as people think I am. I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing.


I can't seem to manage my money well enough. No matter how hard I work, I never am able to save anything. Something always happens. I blow it on going out to eat with friends and rationalize it by thinking "I won't get to do this next year, once I become an adult." I have to buy gas, update my teacher wardrobe, fix my STUPID car, etc. It never ends.


I am more insecure than I ever thought humanly possible. I don't like a lot of my personality. I like some things: I'm fiercely loyal. I will do anything for my friends. Yet they won't always return the favor. I always reach out to people, but they never reach out to me. I have stopped talking to several of my friends to see how long it takes them to realize that we haven't been in touch in awhile. It's been almost 5 months, and I've heard from one person, and that was just the one time. I think I'm a good friend.. perhaps I'm wrong?


As much as I want to lose weight and be thin and beautiful and have guys like me and want to date me, I think secretly I don't want to lose the weight. I'm afraid of losing the weight.. and then becoming fat again.
I haven't told anybody that before.


I'm also really struggling with my faith right now. I've only shared that with Alysha. I still believe in God and believe in Christ as my Savior.. but I'm struggling with seeking Him daily, especially when everything in my life seems to never work out. Other people live in sin, consciously, and everything goes right for them. I try sooooo hard to live a life free of sin, and nothing goes right. I can't get a job; I don't have a boyfriend; I am graduating a year late, which basically makes me the biggest disappointment to my parents; I can't lose weight; I lost my best friend/my first love completely out of left field; I am not important to my "friends". I mean, I don't smoke [which is good since I'm allergic and I would die if I did], I rarely drink, I don't do drugs, I haven't had sex aka didn't get pregnant at 18 like the rest of the women in my family, graduated in the top 3% of my high school class, made the Dean's list several times in college, and have tried to be as loyal and trustworthy and honest as possible.


So why can't I be rewarded? Especially when other people are! It's just frustrating, and I know what everyone will say: "things will catch up with them later" or "I know it seems like things are hard, but they'll get better."


It's been almost three years of this, and it hasn't gotten better. I'm tired of it. I can't take much more. I feel like I'm drowning, and I can't get to the surface.


Not a lot of people know this. I try to keep a brave face on and pretend that nothing is wrong, because nobody likes a Debbie Downer.


But I can't keep it inside anymore.


This is me.


Like it or not.