No More Hiding

I wish I could say that I have been feeling convicted lately, but I don't think you could call it that. I don't even know where to start with this.

I am scared to death to post this blog. But I am more scared of something else: not experiencing God.

The following contains portions from my journal this evening combined with my additional thoughts:

Today I started reading a book that I got at Books For Less a few months back, "Searching For A God You're Supposed To Have Found" by Ben Windle. Within the first three pages, I was on the verge of tears. I had to close the book to avoid crying so that I could continue to read without salty water obstructing my vision.

I have been in denial for so long.

I grew up in church. I was constantly active in the youth group. I wore WWJD bracelets and FCA shirts. I led an AWANA group. I went on retreats. I went to Christian concerts. I highlighted my Bible and wrote verses on index cards to post in my room, locker, and binders. I led prayers in Sunday School. I WAS IN A CHRISTIAN SORORITY.

Yet I fooled everyone. Or maybe I didn't. Maybe some of you knew. But I certainly fooled myself.

I knew about God. I knew verses and stories and songs. I knew that I was a Christian.

But I didn't KNOW God.

I haven't even finished the first chapter yet, but I have to get this out. I have to process it. A part of the chapter talked about anger and jealousy towards people who weren't raised in the church, who come to church and immediately experience God. Yet I, who grew up on the front row, literally, had not had that experience. I know who He *is* but don't KNOW Him.

Last summer, I was in a small group with some girls from my spring small group and some guys from another small group. One night after group, Kelly and I went to Chick-Fil-A for a late dinner. We talked about something that I had not, and until now have not, admitted to anyone: I was jealous of people who had these huge defining moments in their walk with Christ. I didn't have this big "A-HA!" moment. I grew up knowing about God and about Jesus and what He did for me on the cross. But to see people come from a non-church background and experience Jesus.. I was so envious. Why couldn't I have an experience like that?

The funny thing was that Kelly felt the opposite: she was jealous that I'd spent my entire life knowing about Jesus. I didn't understand, because her relationship felt more real than mine. I can't explain it. It's a feeling. A sorrow in my heart. I can't begin to explain that feeling. Perhaps one day I'll understand it, but for now, it is what it is. Moving on...

I think part of what has held my back in the past is fear of what others will think. I'm "supposed" to already know God... what will they think?! Will they judge me? Shun me? Ridicule me?

But I should've known better. My family, my friends, the people that love me, won't care about the past but will REJOICE in my new future!

"Because the concept of God is so clear in their mind, their knowledge of God and the Bible can be mistaken for a personal relationship with God."

Guilty, party of one.

James tells us "Even the demons believe!" Belief is not enough. There MUST be more.

"Don't let the door mat become your bed." Jesus says, "Knock, and the door shall be opened unto you." But an open door is useless unless you walk through it. Go in. Sit down with Jesus. Get to know Him. What have I been waiting for?

The end of the chapter talks about Gideon. God had parted the Jordan River and led the Israelites out of oppression. Joshua took 12 stones from the river and set up memorials with the stones. Years later, the older generations saw the stones and remembered, vividly, what God had done. But Gideon had no memory of the event. He was not tied to it. It wasn't real to him. And that wasn't enough for him. He wasn't content with just the stories. He wanted to experience God for himself. And he did. His faith helped deliver his people from the Midianites.

I'm not afraid of what people think of me anymore. I'm only afraid of not experiencing God.

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2011 In Review

After reading Erin's review post, I wanted to do the same. 2011 was a pretty good year for me.

JANUARY
STUDENT TEACHING FIASCO: Two days before we are supposed to start student teaching, about 10 of us still haven't heard where we'll be student teaching. Luckily the great Snowpocalypse of 2011 struck, and we weren't allowed to start on time. I finally heard about my placement: back at DMS with a 7th grade life science teacher. I didn't particularly want life science, especially since another girl was placed in an earth science class like I wanted, but it all worked out. I was a bit intimidated when I got to my classroom, but I liked the kids and loved my mentor.

FEBRUARY
2 YEARS DOWN THE DRAIN: After my breakup with Rylan, my depression got much worse. Zoloft became my best friend. I eventually weaned myself off of it, and I was so happy to have control over that. However, after a few weeks with my kids, I fell back down that hole. I felt like such a failure. It's nothing to be ashamed of, but I was not thrilled to have to go back on my medication. Ever since then, I've gradually gone from 25mg to 100mg. The life of a middle school teacher...

MARCH
SBXI: I went on my first and last official spring break. I went to Destin with Katie, Jenny, and Emily. It was the greatest trip of my life. SO much fun! We stayed with Katie's grandparents, so all we had to pay for was gas and food. So many great memories were made on that trip.

APRIL
SO CLOSE TO THE END: Nothing super eventful happened in April. Student teaching came to a close [thank GOD, because I was losing my mind] and I started looking for jobs. I went to a critical needs job fair [math, science, and special education] and met a principal who offered me a long-term sub position that day. It ended up not working out because my paperwork didn't process quickly enough, but it ended up being my foot in the door. I also had my last week of classes with my cohort. I cried so much on that last day. That's my family, and I'm not going to see them altogether like that again. I made it all the way to the end of the last day, but when I hugged Dr. A, I lost it. Then when I hugged Gretchen, I lost it again. Two years with these people. I miss them.

MAY
GRADUATION: I am officially a graduate of The University of Georgia. Five years later. I got to walk across the stage [twice.. I was a little over-excited and went too early the first time lol] and shake hands with my teachers. I also got to go onto the field in Sanford Stadium and stand with my cohort in my official graduation. And then proceeded to take off my shoes and walk across campus to our car.

EMPLOYMENT: Just before graduation, I got a call from the principal that I interviewed with at the critical needs job fair in April, asking if I wanted to come in for an interview. I said, "YES! I can be there in 45 minutes!" His secretary was amused. We set up an interview time. I went in for the interview and thought it went well. A week later, the Science AP called me and offered me the job, which I immediately accepted! Two weeks after graduation, I am officially employed. Such a blessing.

JUNE
AWKWARD TURTLE: I had a date with a great guy. The date wasn't great, and apparently he was more into it than I was, so it was hard to tell him that I didn't want another date. Things were awkward for a few days, but luckily we've gotten back to the old friendship we had. I nearly had another date with a cool guy, but he ended up bailing on asking me out, so whatevs.

BAHAMAS: We took a family cruise to the Bahamas. It was great. I had a great time, though it was hard at times to not have anyone to hang out with. I hung out with my parents, but I felt like I was interfering with their alone time. I hung out with my brother and his friend.. but who wants their older sister messing up their fun times? But it still ended up being great. And if anyone goes on a cruise where there is a QUEST adventure, DO IT. Single-handedly the best part of the vacation. I have NEVER laughed so hard in my LIFE.

JULY
GOODBYE TRU, HELLO NEW LIFE: I finished up my life at Toys R Us and began my new career as a teacher. I have to say that I don't miss TRU at all. I miss a few of the people, but the important ones I still keep up with.

AUGUST
FIRST YEAR SPARTAN: My first month was rough. I didn't know if I could do it. But I had no choice but to continue. Things gradually got a bit better. Reading back through my blog, it's amazing how far I've come. My favorite part was getting my first paycheck and going out to celebrate with the other first year teachers.

SEPTEMBER
DETENTION BONANZA: I gave out more detentions in this month than all other months combined. Pretty sure I've given out the most for our grade level. But I was so over my kids that I don't even care.

OCTOBER
RED RIBBON WEEK: I enjoyed dressing up for Red Ribbon Week. My kids have learned that I will do anything for school spirit.

NOVEMBER
ALMOST DONE: Thanksgiving break was SO needed. I also took my first personal day before my birthday. I never take days off, so it was great. Also my memory is slightly failing now that I have 120 kids to watch out for. So, sorry this is boring.

DECEMBER
FINISHED: I made it through my first semester. I don't know how I did it. But I did! Thanks to everyone who supported me along the way. Also, this month I've struggled with some personal stuff. I'm a little too overwhelmed and lonely. And paranoid. But I'm working on it. So here's to fixing that in 2012.

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Ten on Tuesday

Sorry it's been so long since I've posted! It's been a busy few months for me. I have been posting regularly at my blog about my first year of teacher, First Year Spartan, if you want to check it out.

For now, I'll leave you with the 10onTuesday:

1. What do you do for a living? I'm a middle school science teacher.
2. What’s your favorite thing about your job? Summers off! haha JUST KIDDING. I love being around these kids. Sure, 98% of the time they drive me bananas, but I love them 100% of the time!
3. What’s your least favorite thing about your job? Honestly, the lack of pay. The big-wigs make the big bucks.. and they make stupid decisions like merit-based pay. Don't they understand that all that will do is lead to the ATL scandal in EVERY SCHOOL IN THE STATE??? Obviously not...
4. If you weren’t a ____________, what would you be? I have no idea. I'm not good at too much else. I could see myself being someone's assistant, a secretary or something. I love being behind the scenes, and I love helping people out however I can.
5. What is something that you would love to get paid for that you think no one would every pay you for? Judging someone's character. 99% of the time, I am completely accurate with my first impression of someone. I can count on one hand how many times I've been SO wrong about someone. No exaggeration.
6. If you could have any job for exactly one day, what would it be? Peyton Manning's shirt ;]
7. If you had to do manual labor, what would you do? I'm not good with my hands, so nothing related to construction. I'm good with picking up heavy things, so maybe moving boxes or unloading trucks or something?
8. What is something you were forced to learn in high school that was supposed to be super important, but you never actually use? FREAKIN' MLA FORMAT!!!!!!!!!!! We are *DRILLED* on MLA throughout high school, then I get to college and we've switched to APA. What a load of crap.
9. Who was your favorite boss? Why? Derek. Because he let me get away with whatever the heck I wanted.
10. Where would you rather work: Dunder Mifflin Paper Company (The Office), Wernham Hogg Paper Company (The Office, UK), or Initech (Office Space)? INITECH. Office Space FTW!

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Ten on Tuesday

10onTUESDAY

1. What colour are your toenails painted? teal with flowers on the big toes
2. What colour are your fingernails painted? teal
3. What is your favourite brand of nail polish? OPI
4. As the norm, do you DIY your nails or get mani/pedis? DIY
5. Have you ever had a gel mani? Do you recommend it? I haven't, but my mom and sister have, and they LOVE them
6. What is the last movie you watched on television? (TV, Netflix, Redbox, etc.) Casino Royale
7. What is the last movie you watched in the cinema? HP 7.2
8. Is there a movie that everyone talks about as if it is a classic but you haven’t seen? The Godfather
9. What is your favourite movie soundtrack? ooh tough one. um.. for a musical: RENT. for a non-musical: A Walk To Remember
10. Have you ever seen a movie and thought it was better than the book it was based on? I actually liked the movie A Walk To Remember better than the book.


In other news, I set up a new teacher blog! Check it out: First Year Spartan

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Ten on Tuesday

Ten On Tuesday: Perfection

1. What’s the perfect meal? anything full of carbs. my favorite meal is grilled salmon, macaroni and cheese, green beans, and apple pie a la mode for dessert.
2. What are the perfect pair of shoes? flip flops. or a comfy pair of running shoes. but mostly flip flops.
3. What is the perfect afternoon? hanging out with friends, doing anything, anywhere.
4. What’s the perfect house? two stories, stones on the front, little alcove on the second floor where I can sit and read, wrap-around porch, light greens and blues inside accented with salmon and light orange. black appliances, dark espresso cabinets, silver accents.
5. What is the perfect outfit? I am currently into dresses with belts, but my all-time favorite outfit is a long-sleeved t-shirt and  running shorts.
6. What’s the perfect wedding song? ooh tough one. my comedian side wants to say "Tootsie Roll" because it's an inside joke with my best friend, but my favorite sweet song is "The Way You Look" -- I've told my friends that I won't say yes to a proposal until a guy asks me to dance to this song.
7. What is the perfect job? anything where I can work with kids. especially when I can work with autistic kids. it makes my heart soar!
8. What’s the perfect hairstyle? I love this style. long side-swept bangs, side part, soft waves.. I WISH MY HAIR DID THIS!

9. What’s the perfect music festival? um, a little bit of everything? I'm currently super obsessed with 90s music, so probably a melting pot of 90s artists

10. What’s the perfect day to yourself? a perfect day to myself would include other people. I absolutely hate being alone. I like to be around people!


I'm late getting pictures from my trip posted, but I still haven't gotten them from Mom's computer. It will happen eventually. Also, I'm thinking about making the switch back to Wordpress because I miss it. But we shall see. For now, I'll share that I'm obsessed with Bones and have quickly made my way through season 1. Can't wait to catch up through the most recent season, which apparently had *quite* the season finale... EEK!

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playing catch up

Ten On Tuesday::

1. How do you pronounce the word aunt? Does your pronunciation rhyme with ‘haunt’ or ‘can’t'? I rhyme with "can't"
2. Do most of the people in your life know you blog? Or are you partially or totally anonymous? no, most people don't know that I blog. it's mostly for me, to record my thoughts and memories since I don't like to journal
3. When you grocery shop, do you prefer to bag your own groceries or do you like it when the store bags them for you? Paper, plastic, or reusable bags? I prefer to bag myself, and I use reusable bags when I can
4. Do you have a green thumb? not at all
5. If you watch the Food Network, which chef/show host is your favorite? I don't watch it a lot.. I mostly watch Cupcake Wars
6. Do you like to take baths? Do you take them very often? no, I hate baths. I know that makes me not-a-girl, but I'd rather shower quickly than sit in a bathtub
7. What color are the walls in your kitchen? I think they're yellow? I'm not sure
8. Do you prefer to dine outdoors or indoors? if it's not insanely hot, I'd rather sit outside
9. Describe your ideal weather. sunny, COOL, with a light breeze. any weather where I can wear a long sleeved shirt and shorts is perfection
10. If you could learn any foreign language, which would you choose to learn? I know spanish, and I'd like to know it fluently. but I'd love to learn italian too


Friday Five - Random!
1. have you ever really lived outside the country of your birth? why or why not? no, because dad's job has always been in the southeast USA
2. what was your first record/cassette tape/cd? the first one I got was a NKOTB tape and a Hanson cd. the first one I bought was the first *NSYNC cd. I had several disney tapes as well.
3. what do you think of your parents? we have a rollercoaster relationship. most of the time we're okay, and I respect all that they've been through. 24 years together, overcoming serious obstacles, and they are more in love with each other every day.
4. what is your relationship with your hair? pretty much hate-hate. it's too thin. so it doesn't do anything fun. it won't stay straight, but if I try to curl it, even if I put BOTTLES of hairspray in it, it won't stay. so frustrating.
5. what kind of pens do you like? I like fine or medium pens with black ink.


I will be posting about our cruise later today/tomorrow. We're spending time with family this morning/afternoon, so I can post pictures and all that later!

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Ten On Tuesday

1. What type of phone do you have? Do you like it? I just got an iPhone 4, and I LOVE it!
2. How old were you when you got your first cell phone? I got my first phone for my 15th birthday, when I started being able to drive and going places with friends.
3. How many cell phones have you owned since your first? umm... 7? which seems like too many because I've kept them until I could upgrade, with the exception of my pink Motorola Razr [graduation present] and iPhone 3 [my Samsung stopped working, so I got Mom's old phone]
4. How much is your average monthly phone bill? we're on a family plan, so mine is $25.
5. When you were a kid/teenager, were you allowed to have a phone in your room? I had one for awhile, but I rarely used it. I didn't have my own line or anything.
6. Do you like talking on the phone or do you despise it? Or somewhere in-between? I CAN'T STAND IT. unless I'm talking to a certain person. but usually I hate it.
7. Do you text a lot? Is texting/talking while driving illegal where you live? Are you guilty of it anyway? I text ALL the time. Texting while driving is illegal [talking while driving is not] and I don't do it unless my car is stopped [though I will read texts while driving]
8. What sort of texting keyboard does your phone have? Touch screen, slide out, or something different? Do you care? mine is touch screen now, and I like it, but I miss my slide out keyboard. I tend to not pick up my fingers when I text, so I often miss letters on my touch screen.
9. Look at the last call in your call log – who is it? What were they calling about? Who calls you the most? Mom called to make sure that I had closed the garage door. Lately Mercedes calls me the most.
10. What is the longest phone call you can recall having? Um... probably between one and two hours? I don't know. I don't usually talk that long.

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